In the Year of Our Lord Two-Thousand-and-Twenty, a Great Pestilence didst descend upon the land.
The Pestilence, it was said, discriminated not, although it was seen that among the people having passed more than three score and ten years, it didst carry off many.
And it was seen that among the people having passed less than three score and ten years, it didst carry off few, and among those few, the larger part didst suffer from many other ailments and frailties of the body prior to the arrival of the Pestilence within them.
And among the children, and the young, and those in their middle years and healthy, the Pestilence passed through their bodies unnoticed, or with mild discomfiture.
And in this Year of Pestilence, the land was blessed with the wisdom of Saint Anthony of Fauci, who didst decree that the Pestilence should be driven from the land and all should live Forever, and Illness and Death should be vanquished, by means of the magical powers of the Holy Covering-of-the-Face, and the Holy Stay-Away-from-Other-People.
Loving the people as he did, the Duke of Pennsylvania, Lord Thomas of Wolf, didst by his pen-stroke issue a series of decrees, ordering that forthwith, all the people of Pennsylvania should join the most righteous Holy Orders of Covering-of-the-Face, and Staying-Away-from-Other-People.
Some of the people cried out, "Wait, what?"
But the Sect of Wait-What Heretics & Blasphemers was small, and readily vanquished by Saint Anthony, Lord Thomas and the legions they drew along in their powerful mesmeric wake.
It came to pass that in the Village of Mount Nittany, the elders wished to join Saint Anthony, Lord Thomas and their ecclesiastical Church of the Permanent Eradication of Pestilence and Everlasting Health, Life and Immortality for All.
And so upon the Fourth Day of August in the Year of the Great Pestilence, fearing incoming hordes of young and healthy arriving to enter the Halls of Learning at the University of Mount Nittany, the elders of Mount Nittany issued a local, more detailed list of decrees, and affixed to the proven or admitted violation of each, a fine of fifteen silver coins plus court costs. {Rate of exchange: US$20 per silver coin.}
With great joy and fanfare, and with great love for the people under their protectorate, the Pestilence and Death Eradication Decrees of Mount Nittany were approved by the Council of Elders, and signed by Sir Jesse the Whinger of Barlow, and Sir Ronald the Snuffling Mumbler, of Filippelli. And they were careful to demonstrate their piety with most excellent Holy Covering-of-the-Face, and fastidious Staying-Away-from-Other-People.
Months passed, and the Pestilence continued to move through the land, unabated by the Holy Covering-of-the-Face and the Holy Staying-Away-from-Other-People.
The Pestilence, it was said by the elders, discriminated not.
Although it was seen that among the people having passed more than three score and ten years, it didst carry off many.
And with each passing, the Town Criers didst cry out loudly and with great anguish: "The Pestilence hath carried off another one!"
And among the people having passed less than three score and ten years, it didst carry off few, and among those few, the larger part didst suffer from many other ailments and frailties of the body prior to the arrival of the Pestilence.
And with each passing, the Town Criers didst cry out "The Pestilence has carried off another one!"
And the Council of Elders, and Lord Thomas of Wolf, and Saint Anthony of Fauci, didst thunder from on high: "To drive out the Pestilence, the people must revere more deeply our ecclesiastical Church of the Permanent Eradication of Pestilence and Everlasting Health, Life and Immortality for All, and must obey more completely the teachings which we hath issued with such joy, fanfare and love for our people."
Among the children, and the young, and those in their middle years and healthy, the Pestilence passed through their bodies unnoticed, or with mild discomfiture.
But among the children, and the young, and those in their middle years and healthy, the Decrees caused much Loneliness, Despair, Poverty, Self-Harm and Suicide.
On the matter of the effects of the Pestilence and the Decrees on the children, the young and those in their middle years and healthy, the Town Criers didst softly say amongst themselves, "Those facts doth nothing for our ratings and readership. Let us speak not of them."
And the Council of Elders, and Lord Thomas of Wolf, and Saint Anthony of Fauci, didst softly say among themselves, "Those facts doth nothing to instill reverence for our ecclesiastical Church of the Permanent Eradication of Pestilence and Everlasting Health, Life and Immortality for All, and doth even less to instill respect and compliance with our authority to issue decrees with joy, fanfare and love for our people. Let us speak not of it."
Meanwhile, throughout the Bailiwick of Mount Nittany, the sheriffs carried the Decrees to the doorsteps of the people, and issued citations, ordering those who had assembled in private homes in numbers greater than the Holy Number 10, and those who had failed to wear the Holy Covering- of-the-Face, to appear before the two Magisterial District Courts: Judge Donald of Hahn and Judge Steven of Lachman.
Between the Fourth of August, Twenty-Twenty, and the First of February, Twenty-Twenty-One*, Judge Donald of Hahn proclaimed the guilt of one for violation of the Order to Wear the Holy Face Covering "while working in all jobs that entail coming into contact with any member of the public, including, but not limited to, all work involving the preparation or packaging of food and/or beverage unless separated by a physical barrier between the employee and the public," requiring the violator to pay the fine of twenty pieces of silver, plus four more for "court costs." (Ord. 2145-2F)
In that time, Judge Donald of Hahn heard 76 cases brought against violators of the Decree Forbidding-Gatherings-Greater-than-the-Holy-Number-10, and Judge Steven of Lachman heard 29 such cases, for which the accused had failed to obey:
In all housing types, gatherings of more than ten persons shall be prohibited. Any exception to this limitation requires prior approval through the submission of a Gathering Registration application to the Borough that could allow for a gathering of no more than 25 persons, provided a COVID- 19 mitigation plan is submitted with the application. (Ord. 2145-5A) and When the number of household members exceeds the limitations set forth in A herein, no additional persons shall gather at this property, either indoors and/or outdoors. (Ord. 2145 5E)
In aggregate, for failing to abide by the Decree Forbidding Gatherings Greater than the Holy Number 10, the people paid the Council of Elders of Mount Nittany and the Magisterial District Courts 1,520 pieces of silver, in fines and court costs.
One case was dismissed, and two are awaiting trial.
In that time, the sheriffs accosted none, and Judge Donald of Hahn and Judge Steven of Lachman heard no cases, regarding the other Orders to Wear-the-Holy-Face-Covering:
"Inside any building open to the public, such as, but not limited to, grocery stores, pharmacies, business locations, home improvement stores, retail stores, service establishments, and medical and dental treatment facilities; inside all municipal and other governmental buildings; on all transport and transit vehicles, including, but not limited to, CATA bus, rideshare such as Uber or Lyft) and shuttle vehicles; While waiting to enter any building open to the public, any municipal and other governmental building, or waiting to board any transport or transit vehicle, unless a distance of at least six feet is maintained from any person who is not that person's family or household member, notwithstanding the prohibition of wait lines outside of municipal or other governmental offices, businesses, including hospitality establishments; When coming into contact with any person who is not that person' s family or household member, whether indoors or outdoors, including, but not limited to, contact during gatherings, curbside pickup, drive-thru and food truck purchases, deliveries, and service calls." (Ord. 2145 2A-E)
For the People obeyed without question, driven mad by fear of Pestilence, and guilt and shame in the presence of human vulnerability to Death, instilled by the Bishops and Diocesan Clerics of the ecclesiastical Church of the Permanent Eradication of Pestilence and Everlasting Health, Life and Immortality for All.
Among the people with three score and ten years, many continued to succumb to Illness and Death, from many afflictions, perhaps the Pestilence, perhaps not.
And among the people having passed less than three score and ten years, Illness and Death didst carry off a few, the larger of them suffering from many ailments and frailties of the body, perhaps from the Pestilence, perhaps not.
And among the children, and the young, and those in their middle years and generally healthy, Illnesses passed through their bodies unnoticed, or with mild discomfiture.
But their Loneliness, Despair, Poverty, Self-Harm and Suicide grew.
Saint Anthony of Fauci, Lord Thomas of Wolf, Sir Jesse of Barlow, Sir Ronald of Filippelli, the Council of Elders, the sheriffs, Judge Donald of Hahn and Judge Steven of Lachman gazed upon the miraculous effects of their Decrees with awe, wonder and pride.
"Staying-Away-From-Other-People for the rest of your lives to strive for Pestilence-Zero is better than Staying-Away-From-Other-People for Two-Weeks-to-A-Year to Flatten the Pestilence Curve!" they proclaimed.
"Two Holy Coverings-of-the-Face are better than One!" they cried. "Three are better still!"
“Experimental ‘vaccines’ are ‘effective’ and ‘safe’, but even if you join the ongoing Trial by enduring the Piercing-by-Needle, you must all continue to wear the Holy Covering-of-the-Face and Stay-Away-from-Other-People forever!” they shouted.
And so it was, that on the Fourth Day of January, Twenty-Twenty-One, the Council of Elders of Mount Nittany extended the Holy Decrees through the Thirty-First Day of May.
Amen.
h/t Catte Black, writing at Off-Guardian.
*According to the Writ of Right-to-Know, received from Court Administrator K. Miknis, by blasphemous "Wait, what?" heretic K. Watt, on February 8, 2021.
